Fxck Kunle

“Once upon a time is a cliché start to a story but as a hopeless romantic, there’s no better way to tell it. I mean, every fairytale starts with it and this story I must tell isn’t far from a fairytale. This is a story of love conquering all things and all that shit people say. I don’t know enough about love, but I know it when I feel it.

Kunle was the first person that made me feel loved. He was my first love. Even though I had been with dozens of guys before him, they didn’t give me the same heart-fluttering or the first-person-on-my-mind-every morning-feeling. I mean, they had everything. I didn’t even care about the ‘Tall, dark, handsome, God fearing and caring’ boxes that every woman ticks.

I had just four boxes that must be ticked; money, looks, confirm package down there and just enough height to tower over me. Kunle didn’t tick all of my boxes. He didn’t have enough money to take care of me and he wasn’t even my kind of fine. He didn’t have the instant charm at one glance but when you look at his facial features one a time, he’s cute shaa.

The first time I saw Kunle again, I didn’t recognize him at all. Oh, I didn’t mention that Kunle was my high school classmate. Well, he was. Kunle was a chubby, nerdy boy whose thick gold-rimmed glasses did nothing to cure his severe astigmatism. I guess all his eyes wanted to do was read all there was to read and to see all there was to see but the tall lanky guy that was staring at me in the ICM parking lot was nothing like the chubby Kunle. What gave him up was the same inquisitive eyes that seemed to rummage everything hidden.

‘I know you. You’re Jummy right?’ It was right from there that I began to slip. And as our conversation progressed, my body charged with a different kind of energy.

Even though Kunle was engaged to you, Fatima. You both had a wedding date set already but we found a way to make it work and it didn’t take so long for me to want him to be just mine.

I mean, I’m not a home breaker. Fatima, you should have gotten the hint that Kunle was being shared now. Didn’t you notice the sneaky texts at midnight? Didn’t you notice the soft giggles he gave as I rubbed my cold feet on his thigh under the table the last time we all hung out? Didn’t you notice that he stopped picking up your calls at the first ring? You didn’t notice all these ehn?

Last night Kunle visited me. He was willing to end it all for me. He was willing to face the disgrace of calling off this wedding. He was willing to take the disappointment of his parents and in-laws. He was willing to do it all for me. I’m sure everyone listening to me knows where I’m heading. Yes, Kunle won’t be gracing this wedding. He won’t be coming. Fatima, I’m sorry Kunle…”

The hall fell silent as Fatima’s mother yanked the plugs of the speakers out of the socket. Her body boiled in anger. How dare Kunle disgrace my family after all I spent on this wedding?

Fatima dropped to the floor; her eyes transfixed on one of the speakers at the far end of the hall ignoring her asoebi girls’ attempt to pull her up. Kunle’s mother removed her gele as she let her eyes roam the hall in search of something, someone. She let her sisters and daughter lead her into the changing room squeezing between impeccably dressed and heavily perfumed guests. Kunle’s in-laws made for the door pushing the already crowded guests away from the way.

It was at this point that Kunle in his white pristine agbada walked gallantly with his groomsmen into the hall.